remingtonsteelersfandomcom-20200214-history
Howard the Duck
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. A long time ago, a young filmmaker named George Lucas helped create a parallel dimension in a galaxy far, far away. It's a strange world with bizarre aliens and unbelievable creatures. A world that the sci-fi community will never, ever forge- okay the punchline is Howard the Duck. Footage of Howard the Duck begins, and we die a little inside NC (voiceover): For all the strange things that George Lucas has done, whether it be bad, unnecessary or...just downright racist, nothing compares to the weird cinematic bomb that he actually made the strange choice of producing. Howard the Duck. NC: And if you think Jar Jar Binks was bad...he still is. But this is a creation that equally matches that theatrical travesty. So what gave George Lucas the idea to attach his name to such a goofy movie? Shots of the Howard the Duck comic NC (voiceover): Well maybe the comic book had something to do with it. That's right, this was actually based on a Marvel comic book of the same name. It was about a duck who came from a parallel dimension where everybody's a duck, but somehow got zapped into our reality and has a ton of strange adventures. NC: (dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, sounds like a blockbuster to me too! Let's take a look. So we see Howard in his parallel world, where he lives in an apartment of in-jokes. He sits around, drinking beer, smoking cigars, and reading the latest edition of Playduck. NC: You know, a kids movie. NC (voiceover): Look at this thing. It looks like Donald Duck's missing nephew, Drunky. Howard: Thanks. NC (voiceover): So yeah, he lives in probably the stupidest of parallel dimensions where every single person is a duck. It's like a bad episode of Twilight Zone that accidentally began with the twist ending. Alright, so Howard's sitting there watching TV, when suddenly- The room starts shaking Howard: Oh no it's a quake! NC: (angry) Don't you mean a quack? NC (voiceover): His chair starts to shake and rumble as he's propelled backwards through his apartment building, flying through dozens and dozens of walls until we see- A female duck taking a bath; she is topless; if you are reading this, you are spared the horror of the image, but just try to imagine it. Yeah, your head just exploded, right? Wipe off the screen, you got off easy NC (voiceover): Oh my God. NC: It can't be. That cannot be real. That cannot. Be real! It is though NC: Is there a point in reviewing the rest of the movie? I mean you know I'm not gonna be able to top that. I don't care if it runs into Jar Jar Binks, the Care Bears, and Fonzie from Happy Days. There is no way, in Hell, that I am going to beat- Another shot of the nightmare, only this time with the words "DuckTits" across the screen, in font that mimics Duck Tales, and a clip of "Duck Tits, woo-ooh!" being sung to complete the comparison NC: I mean what is the point? You're making a kids film, starring a cute little ducky, and you start out with duck tits? Are you mad?! What creepy pervert thought that up? Quick flash of a pic of George Lucas NC: I mean the movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? There's a picture of a naked woman, with the naughty bits censored...darn...could've really used that to cleanse the images... NC (voiceover): Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, Still shot of the naked duck NC (voiceover): But showing Daisy's knockers isn't gonna cause any damage?! NC: I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean...EW! NC (voiceover): So yeah, after you try to repress that memory, Howard continues to fly out of his apartment. Actually into space. Suddenly this guy's voice takes over and tries to tell us why. Narrator: The cosmos. Countless worlds upon worlds. In these galaxies, every possible reality exists. What is, what was, and what will be start here with the words "In the beginning there was... The title screen comes up Narrator: HOWARD THE DUCK! NC: Wow. All the coolness in the narrator's voice seemed to be magically sucked out just by the mentioning of the title. That's usually a good sign. NC (voiceover): So Howard somehow crosses dimensions and ends up in the terrifying land of the human world. But not just the human world--the human world of the 80s! AAH! He comes across this woman who's being attacked and he decides to help her out. Howard leaps from the shadows, does some completely unimpressive martial arts posing Howard: No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu! NC: Alright, the obvious joke should've been Tai Quack Do, but we'll let it slide. Howard: Every duck's got his limit. No more Mr. Nice Duck. This is obviously no place for an intelligent duck. NC: ...yeah, um, just to check, how many more "puns" are the going to be where you simply insert the word "duck" into common everyday phrases- The answer, 1,358 more, appears over an image of Howard's face NC: Okay, I'm just gonna have this on standby, I hope you don't mind. He places a bottle of Jack Daniels on the table next to him NC (voiceover): So after being bailed out by a duck--boy that's gotta be embarrassing--we learn that the young woman's name is Beverly. And as you can imagine, they both have some interesting questions for each other. Howard: Where am I? Beverly: Cleveland. Howard: Cleve-land? Uh huh. That's a perfect, weird name for this planet. Beverly: Planet? No no, that's a city. The planet's called Earth...I think. NC: Earth I think? ...yeah, um, just to check, this idiotic waif isn't gonna play any major part in this movie by any chance is she- "Love Interest" shows up over a picture of Beverly NC: Okay, bottoms up. He pours himself a shot of Jack Daniels NC (voiceover): So Beverly is about to leave poor Howard behind, but the awkward 80s love music suggests she should do something else. We see the scene, where she looks back at him guiltily as the (really stupid) ballad plays NC: Go to him Beverly, go to him! NC (voiceover): It can't be any worse than that time you let that singing giraffe sleep on your couch. Howard: You consider that progress? NC (voiceover): So being a sucker for a hard duck case, Beverly decides to take Howard in and let him spend the night. Howard: (sarcastically) Nice place. You pay to live here? Beverly: It's cheap, the manager of my band found it for me. Howard: I suggest you find a new manager. Beverly: Hey, I'd love to, but we got this damn contract with the sleazoid. He won't even give us the money he owes us. NC: YOU KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO A DUCK, RIGHT? NC (voiceover): So Howard eventually falls asleep as Beverly partakes in a RATHER uncomfortable sequence. She basically pets his head NC (voiceover): "Hmm. Mrs. Duck. I guess I kinda like it." Beverly: What am I gonna do with you? NC: Well roasted or extra crispy comes to mind! NC (voiceover): So they go to a scientist played by Tim Robbins to see if he can figure out where Howard came from and how he got here. Phil: Nice ducky. Me Phil. You Howard. He repeats it, this time talking like Donald Duck; cut to NC, chugging the Jack Daniels straight from the bottle NC (voiceover): He obviously doesn't help much, which means Howard is still stuck in the surreal world where he'll never seem to fit in. Some kids and a teacher come running up to him Teacher: This is a wonderful exhibit! Howard: I'm a freak, an outcast! NC: (mimicking kids) Aw look at the ducky, look at the ducky! Howard: Beat it! Raaaar! NC: (mimicking again) AH! I thought he was cute at first, but then he waved his fingers and became terrifying! NC (voiceover): He also tells Beverly to go away as he just wants to be left alone. Beverly: That's the way you want it, then so long ducky! Hmph! Howard: Don't shed any tears over me, toots! Beverly: You can wallow in your own self-pity! NC: Hahahaha, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. ...Ducks are...from some parallel dimension where apparently they have duck tits. And no shame. Howard: Oy. NC (voiceover): If you can believe it, Howard actually gets a job cleaning up at a local romantic spa. Because nothing says romance like a feathered alien cleaning up your love juice. Howard: That's really disgusting. NC (voiceover): Look at this, he gets thrown in the hot tub and the couple just keeps making out. NC: (mocking the couple) What was that! Oh, it was just some small, fully clothed, anthropomorphic lifeform swimming in our hot tub. Oh well. (leans down to kiss again) NC (voiceover): Despite the job, Howard seems to still not be fitting in, as crowds of people constantly seem to remind him. Random bus passenger: That's a duck! That's a duck, man! NC: That's a duck! (he looks down) That's a tie! (he looks to the side) That's a desk! (looks in front of him, holds up the movie) That's a stupid, stupid movie! NC (voiceover): So Howard returns to Beverly, who happens to have a band called Cherry Bomb. Well I understand the bomb part, but the cherry section throws me off. There, he comes across Beverly's manager and tries to persuade him to let her out of the band's contract. Howard: Is this gonna be easy? ...or is this gonna be trouble? NC: Whoa, I think this duck means business. NC (voiceover): They pick him up and throw him across the bar, thinking they got rid of the little quacker. But then... Howard stands up again, dramatic rock music playing. He gets on the bar and heads to the guys again NC: Bring it motha ducker! He manages to beat up the three goons NC: Help! I'm getting my ass kicked by poultry! NC (voiceover): So after that embarrassing display, the manager decides to give the women back their money and let them out of the contract. So Howard meets up with Beverly backstage where- Phil: I'm sorry Miss Joy, I was- NC (voiceover): Oh boy not this guy again. Phil: Howard! (he says...something...in Donald Duck style) NC mouths "What the fuck?"; they show it again NC: Did the movie just run out of dialogue, I mean that wasn't a sentence, that was a sound effect! That's like the script was written by Gerald McBoingboing! They show it again NC: STOP IT! I don't know what that is! NC (voiceover): What the hell is he doing there anyway? Beverly: Well he and Ronnetta sorta got back together. NC: WAIT! He's dating one of the singers?! Ronnetta: I don't know who's more desperate for dates, you, or me. NC: (mimicking her) I guess I have a soft spot for unattractive, unromantic and all around unlikeable people. NC (voiceover): So even though they got out of the contract, the band is still stuck without a manager. Beverly: Maybe you should be our manager. ...wait a second... NC: No. Beverly: I think you'd be a great manager. NC: No!! Beverly: Maybe you're just the kind of bizarro influence we need! NC: Oh yeah! With him as their manager, the band will finally be taken seriously! NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, that's not all they talk about. Beverly: I just can't seem to find the right man. Howard: Maybe it's not a man you should be lookin' for. NC silently pulls the Jack Daniels bottle back to him Beverly: You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom ducky? Howard: Like they say doll, love's strange. We could always...give it a try. NC puts his gun on the table and cocks it. Beverly and Howard make googly eyes, and NC pulls out a large knife and begins slitting his wrists. We see, in silhouette, Beverly on top of Howard, just beginning to kiss him, when she yelps and the camera reveals Phil and two other men looking over the curtain at them Phil: Oh, I'm sorry, the door was open. NC: (putting the knife down) Oh thank God! NC (voiceover): Those three angels of mercy happen to be scientists, who think they know what brought Howard here. Apparently they were working on some sort of dimensional jumper...thingy, that pointed into Howard's universe and brought him to our world. So the easy solution is just to send him back through the same process. So the scientists decide to drive him to the machine and send him back. Howard: (to Beverly) Right now, you're the one and only thing that's making it very hard- NC looks shocked Howard: -for me to leave. NC: Oh. NC (voiceover): So the gang gets to the machine with no problems or dilemmas along the way and it looks like Howard is finally going home. NC: Well that wasn't so bad, I mean it certainly wasn't a good movie but I could definitely say that I've seen worse- The machine sparks violently NC: What was that? Scientist: It exploded again, it was terrible! We have no right to tamper with the universe! NC: Does this mean the duck's not going home? Other scientist: We lost control again and there was another explosion. Third scientist: We brought Howard down the first time but what if we brought something else this time? NC: Something that could possibly make this film go on longer? Howard: Yeah, sure. NC wails and cries in agony, banging his head on the table NC (voiceover): So yeah, the movie keeps on going as apparently one of the scientists is taken over by an alien lifeform from another parallel dimension. Alien: I'm not Jenning anymore, the transformation is complete. I am now...someone else. NC: My God, he's transformed into Cobra Commander! Alien: Soon the dark overlord will engulf the Earth. Cobra Commander: Excellent! They haven't spotted us! Alien: If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Cobra Commander: COBRA! ATTAAAACK! NC (voiceover): So the characters I guess just sit and talk for a bit while the scientist continues to reenact scenes from The Exorcist. Alien: I am now one of the dark overlords of the universe. NC: And your mother sucks cocks in Hell, BLAAAAAH! NC (voiceover): On top of that, he can also use his mental powers to do horrible, menacing things. Like assassinate table condiments! Mustard and ketchup bottles blow up Alien: My powers are growing. NC: Next I will destroy the tabasco sauce, BLAAAAH! NC (voiceover): To make things worse, Howard gets into yet ANOTHER fight when all the truckers at the diner start to insult him. Howard: This one's for you cracker? Another hungry customer! NC (voiceover): (mocking a third trucker) Well he threw a pie at the other guys, surely he's not gonna throw a pie at-DOOOH! (normal) They keep fighting until they finally grab him and put him in his place. NC: So what are they gonna do, beat him up and toss him around a bit or- NC (voiceover): -tie him down and try to decapitate him?! NC: Dude, when did truckers become homicidal maniacs? NC (voiceover): But the belching Skeletor gets up and saves Howard so that he can get the key to the dimensional machine back. Trucker: Sounds like a bunch of bull putty! The alien fires energy at him, with "Hadouken!" dubbed over it NC (voiceover): The odd thing is that even after people leave, he keeps blowing shit up! I guess he just has a real hate for food condiments and kitchen utensils. (mimicking the alien) That dinner flatware must die! (normal) So the scientist kidnaps Beverly and decides to take her away. NC: Because...because...why are you kidnapping her anyway? The alien simply looks out from behind a corner and groans NC: Yeah, that's what I thought. NC (voiceover): While on the way there, the alien decides he needs to recharge his energy. He does it by taking out a cigarette lighter and doing this: His mouth opens, a hideous, long tongue-like appendage comes out and plugs into the car's lighter socket NC: I got nothing to say, I think this scene speaks for itself. NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Howard meets up with Tim Robbins as they just so happen to find a plane, figure out how to fly it, and use it to save Beverly. NC: I can't believe a movie about a nerdy Tim Robbins and an alcoholic talking duck could be so implausible! Howard: It's like a bad trip. NC (voiceover): Meanwhile the alien makes it back to the laboratory, after getting rid of some pesky cops. The alien shocks a cop, who flies back into his car which promptly explodes, setting off a chain reaction of a bunch of nearby cars. Alien: Smog inspection. Hahahahahahahahaha! NC: (mimicking the alien) Ehehehehehehehehe-I never knew my mother. NC (voiceover): He ties down Beverly, hoping to transfer another alien into her body as Robbins and Howard come in to save the day. Beverly gives them some helpful advice. Beverly: He's in a bad mood! NC: I really hope she dies. NC (voiceover): So after the scientist transforms into Albert Einstein's heroin addict cousin, Howard rushes at him with a laser gun and blows everything up. Of course they go through the scene where they think he's dead but he wakes up and everything seems to be okay. NC: So THIS has gotta be the end of the movie, right? The alien busts through the floor, in a new, monstrous form NC: No? You still wanna make it a little stupider? Okay! NC (voiceover): Why don't we have the alien mutate into something Ray Harryhausen would throw up, and have Howard run at it with the laser gun again. (gasp) But there's more Harryhausen vomit coming through the portal! What do we do? Phil: The machine Howard, you gotta destroy it, blast it! Beverly: No Howard, don't! You'll never get home. NC: Yes, let the monsters slowly kill us and eat us alive, knowing that at least the machine will be okay to take you back ho-WHY ARE YOU STILL LETTING HER TALK, DESTROY THE DAMN THING! He does NC (voiceover): And then we get the scene where we think Howard is dead. Gee, it's almost as good AS THE FIRST TIME YA DID IT! Beverly: Howard? Howard: (mimicking alien) I am not Howard...anymore! NC: Oh good, he's possessed, does that mean we can kill him? NC (voiceover): Oh, it was just a joke, hahahahaha, hilarious. So everybody returns home, I guess Howard is their new manager--I'm hoping he only speaks via telephone--and at the end he even has his own guitar solo! Oh yeah, you will believe a duck can rock. NC: I also believe that a duck can BLOW! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT GEORGE LUCAS HAS EVER MADE SINCE...anything not Star Wars or Indiana Jones related. NC (voiceover): AND EVEN THAT HE'S SLOWLY TRYING TO DESTROY! Apart from being silly, stupid, and surprisingly boring, this film is just plain mean spirited. Everything is shot in the dark, someone is always trying to kill him or hurt him, it's just a thoroughly unpleasant movie. NC: But hey, look on the bright side, it could be worse. ...No, no it can't, actually, this is the worst. If you have a chance to pass up this duck suck, I suggest you drop it like the rotten egg that this stink bug was born out of. Just remember kids, quack...is whack. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.